I have already announced the results on Facebook, but for those who don’t know me in that context, I finally, finally, finally, finally got my second post-lumpectomy mammogram. It was twenty months after the first follow-up one, which was fourteen months after they wanted me to have one. (And the first follow-up one was three months after they recommended me to have one. Can you tell I’m not crazy about mammograms???) Two psychics and an intuitive had told me I was cancer-free, but I did the mammo for peace of mind for myself and for any friends who had concerns.
I was able to make the one-hour trip to the hospital free of anxiety. I was able to walk to the receptionist and then the radiology department anxiety-free. I was even okay while the technician lifted each breast into place, squashed them, and radiated them. I also felt fine while waiting for her to upload the films to the radiologist who was off-site that day. (Apparently the social worker scheduled me on a day when the radiologist was not on-site. Those with a history of breast cancer are supposed to come Mondays and Tuesdays. Fortunately the technician kindly allowed me to continue with the mammo that Wednesday due to the fact that I had made an hour-long trip to get there.) (I live in a tiny mountain town in Colorado, one hour from the two nearest hospitals.)
But even though I didn’t consciously feel any anxiety, after I heard the results I was amazed at how relieved I felt. “You are free and clear,” she said. Phew. It was like I finally let go of the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. I had thought that I’d probably ultimately be fine, but I thought (like the last few times) there would be something “suspicious” or “disturbing” that they’d want to investigate further. At some level I just expected them to want to do extra x-rays (like they had before) or ultrasounds (like they had before) and then to want to do various rather invasive, uncomfortable biopsies (like they had before.) Somehow I was not prepared for: You’re good to go!
I felt so incredibly light walking out of that hospital. I felt like I was floating. I continued to feel joy for the rest of the day.
I am so very, very grateful for this gift.
And I am sending much, much, much love to the numerous friends who have not been so blessed.
