In Limboland

23 Jul

The Breast Blog #6

July 21, 2011

In Limboland.

I used to be very good at limbo.  I have a flexible body and strong legs.  However I find I’m not so good at being in limbo.  That requires a very different set of muscles – patience muscles.  I have to exercise patience.  And faith.

It’s been two weeks since the “biopsy that wasn’t.”  Two weeks since the nodule found in my ultrasound about two months ago was not conclusively found during an attempted needle biopsy.  Two weeks since the doctor recommended instead a surgical biopsy on my left breast and a stereotactic biopsy on my right.  And nothing has happened since then.

So what is the hold-up?  Why am I stranded in this Netherland of Not Knowing and therefore unable to move forward with medical decisions?  (Here comes public confession #2.)  I am one of the 50.7 million Americans who do not have medical insurance.

I am not one of those people who have a full-time corporate job with benefits.  Nor am I married to a person with benefits.  Does my income level support a monthly bill of several hundred dollars to get privately insured?  Absolutely not.  Until this year, I’ve been an exceptionally healthy person – never a broken bone, never an overnight stay in a hospital, very few days missed from work except for a bad cold now and then.  It seemed rather ridiculous to give several hundred dollars a month to a company to get rich while I so clearly needed the money to pay my own bills.   Truthfully, if I had had to pay health insurance, there is a very good chance I would have not had enough money for food and gas.  And not eating food is certainly not healthy!  Health insurance just wasn’t an option  for me.

When I left the doctor’s office on July 7th, I was under the impression that the doctor would talk to the “powers that be” about my financial situation and see what could be arranged as far as future care.  About five days later I got a call from a woman (with a very young-sounding voice) who emailed me a link to a site so I could download a form and fill it out and submit it.  I printed it, filled it out, and drove 45 minutes to the doctor office to deliver it in person.  But after another week of waiting and hoping for something to be scheduled, I finally realized I needed to, once again, be a bit more proactive.  So two days ago I made and received about fifteen calls to the various people who help with this kind of thing.  Now I’m filling out yet another downloaded form and submitting more documents.  I am told that then we may be able to move forward.

Ayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!  This waiting is driving me crazy.  The combination of my awareness of the original three symptoms (discharge, nodule, micro-calcifications,) plus my dreams, plus my fatigue (which I acknowledge I could have for multiple reasons,) plus my intuition, plus the doctor saying, “There’s no doubt in my mind that something is going on,” (Why, oh why, did I not ask her to elaborate?!!!) all lead me to believe that something is happening which NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF!!!!!

This morning I sought some guidance.  See, I believe that although we can certainly follow our intuition and the “still, small voice” within, sometimes we may need a bit more definitive help discerning a proper course of action.  Most of us don’t hear actual words from On High saying, “Do such and such.”  Most of us do not have the same experience as Moses. Most of us can’t wait for the burning bush.  That is why I believe in the messages hidden within our dreams.  That’s why I believe in “signs and synchronicities.”  And this is why I use Oracle Cards.  I believe all of these things are ways God/our Higher Power/Spirit tries to communicate to us.  Our ancestors certainly sought messages in dreams, animal sightings, visions, etc.  We can do this, too.

There are any number of oracle card decks out there in the market right now.  There are angel cards, animal medicine cards, etc.  My current personal favorite is called: The Wisdom of Avalon.

This morning I did a 3-card spread to discern messages for the past, present, and future regarding the possibility of me having cancer.  The card for “the present” felt on the money.  It was The Lady of the Lake.  The message that accompanies her is this:

“This is not the time to second-guess.  If a signal appears, be assured that a challenge has been presented…. The message is to take care when the lady of the Lake appears, as serious business is at stake.  The Lady reminds you of your personal responsibility in shaping your reality and its consequences.  Seek the sword of truth within yourself and great success will be yours.  Have courage….”

 Okay.  It seems clear to me.  Don’t doubt my intuition.  And don’t be afraid.  I have the ability to shape the outcome.

So here is what I can do right now:  1) I can complete any paperwork they throw at me as quickly as possible.  2) I can continue to follow up with phone calls to make sure I don’t fall through any cracks.  3) I can do some natural treatments now – especially ones that are offered to me.  (A sweet friend was guided to come forward and offer me some amazing treatment gratis, from the goodness of her heart.  She has had amazing success helping others through various health challenges – including dissolving tumors.  I cannot thank her enough.)  4) I can work on getting my diet as clean as possible.  (I have two dear friends who have completed their medical treatments – chemo, radiation, etc., and are doing well.  Both have lost considerable weight.  Both have embraced diets consisting of lots of greens and organic produce, whole grains, seeds, nuts, beans, etc.  Both are urging me to be more diligent in omitting dairy, sugar, etc.) 5) Continue to get emotional support from caring, like-minded, spiritually-compatible folks.  6) Continue to send lots of love and appreciation to my breasts.  7) Use imagery to help eradicate whatever poisons or wayward cells may be within me.  (Here is the image that came to me recently.  I picture the Wicked Witch of the West after that pail of water was thrown upon her.  “I’m melting, I’m melting.”  Somehow those words, when uttered with the proper dramatic tone, make me smile.  I just have to be sure that the nodule is melting and not me!)

I also keep asking: What is the lesson here?  Why is there this delay?  Is there a reason for this delay that I’m not seeing?  Or am I being challenged to be as pro-active and assertive as possible?

So this is my story for the day, folks.  I am tired today and I will take a break here and there, and I will do my paperwork, and do a treatment, and eat some good food, and talk with a friend.

May you have a lovely day as well.

May you be blessed.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “In Limboland”

  1. thecheesyone July 23, 2011 at 10:23 pm #

    Being in limbo is no fun at all.

  2. cindygreb July 24, 2011 at 12:33 am #

    True. My friend said it is, far and away, the hardest part.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: